I decided to get a little personal with ya’ll and share an understanding about myself that I just realized. I hope it may speak to others. I had an epiphany the other night, just days before my 54th birthday. I live in my own anxious world. As I was contemplating my life it dawned on me just how much anxiety I have had in my life starting from an early age up to today. I tried to reflect and think of a time that I was happy and at peace and I really couldn’t come up with an extended period of time. There are brief moments in my life that I have felt cool, calm and collected but as a whole my life is chaos, fear and anxiety. It hasn’t been debilitating to where I couldn’t function and continue on the rat wheel of life, but it’s always been there like a sliver that sometimes you hardly notice, and other times causes a knee jerk pain reaction.
This anxiety started from my earliest childhood that I can remember and follows me to this day. I know we all have our own life’s turmoil, and we all respond and deal with situations in our own unique way. But my life feels cursed. I’m not blaming family or society because I know everything in life is still my choice of how I deal with things. I’m saying that in my own life I have had situation upon situation that has created a sticky web of anxiety that clings to almost everything I do. I may sometimes seem like I have all my ducks in a row and that life is hunky dory. I’m just a cool cat living a hang loose life. Not even close.
I live in constant fear, constant anxiety about life around me. Childhood, violence, abuse, school, sports, jobs, college, marriages, childbirth, bills, divorces, trouble, debt, health, aging, just to name a few. Yeah, yeah sounds like everyone right? But as I reflected and the light bulb went off, I realized I have never had an extended period of time where I was happy and free with no stress, no anxiety, no fear. Just fleeting moments of a couple days, to a couple weeks but always right back to the angst and drudgery of the weight I burdened myself with. It’s difficult to put into words that gives credence to all that I have felt and continue to feel on a daily basis.
I don’t have the answer, I don’t have a magic potion. I wish I did. I might be a billionaire if I did. But even in that I would be full of the same anxiety that has always been there. I wish I could take in a true breath of fresh air and be transported to Nirvana, but I have come to understand that this burden is mine and it’s for a reason. That reason has brought me right where I am today and will lead me into the life of tomorrow. I am aware and will press on with this thing called life. The journey is always fascinating and I’m just a spiritual astronaut trying to explore all that the universe has to offer. How about you?
To See Or Not To See 