Every Which Way

I have to confess, I’m a big thinker but much of my time gets consumed by other things and I don’ t take the time for myself, to do those things I enjoy doing. Sometimes it feels burdensome and sometimes it’s just because I’m lazy and don’t have the wherewithal to step up and do what needs to be done. I just spin in my head every which way. I think many people get stuck in that loop, an endless cycle of doing things but not really doing things. I look back on my life and have so many regrets. The things I could have done. From what I understand; is that is one of the biggest deathbed statements made – I went every which way but the way I wanted and never accomplished those dreams, those passions that truly made my soul happy. Why do we do that? Why do we get so caught up in living that we forget to live. I’m turning 58 (I think) this year and my youth is escaping me. I couldn’t wait to turn 18, then 21 and it felt like it took forever whereas now time goes by like bullet train speeding to its next destination, only to speed off again for the next one. Time is a slippery slope and seems to go every which way but mostly out of control. Oh, I have laborious control; I can go to work, take time off, spend the day watching tv, drive to some simple destination but here’s the catch; I work for a long ten hours a day and that day seems unbearably long, time drags. I come home, eat, clean, talk for just a few hours and then I’m right back at it again. Yes, time but not time that is used to fill my soul, it’s just time evaporating out to the universe this way and that, going through the motions because life gets in the way of being free.

I love to write, but I haven’t been taking the time (obviously) to write. I blame work, I blame bills, I blame being tired, I blame my fingers that go numb because the work I do is overbearing, I blame that I’m tired, yadda, yadda. But what I don’t do is take the time for me. Do you take the time for yourself or does time escape you every which way too? If I were rich, ha, haven’t heard that one before. But money does change the equation, at least in my own mind it does for what I think I want to do. If I were rich and could buy my island with my dive retreat and spend money to market thus said retreat, I would be “working” in my passion and therefore it wouldn’t be working, at least not like the working, the drudgery, I do now. I sit now and reflect in my minds thought of nirvana and wonder; would it be work, would I still procrastinate, find my time seeping out to some of the things I deal with currently? Or would I be content? I don’t know because I don’t have and most likely will not have the opportunity to own my own island and dive shop and to be so well off that I wouldn’t have to worry about money, bills, getting by, that sort of thing. We work so hard, for so many years, just to grow old and not have much time left to enjoy what we really wanted to enjoy. And honestly, most of us will never have the money to do so either.

So, I press on and in the midst of every which way overload I try and find the course again. Back to writing, back to dreaming, back to making check off list to do those things that need to be done. I am the only one that can it for myself and you are the only one for yourself. Let us put forth a step forward and see where it leads. Today, I wrote my blog, a message to the world, to give, to share, that I enjoy doing even though I haven’t written in weeks, today I did. Tomorrow, I know starts another week of just getting by, paying the bills, eating, sleeping, working but I can also do those things which needs to be done, like sharpening the knives, scrubbing my feet, eating something better, sharing life and uplifting those that may need it. I may not have an island, but I can still do things that reach my soul and gives me joy, as long as I am self-aware and don’t let time escape me every which way it can. We are the authors of our own journey. Do we want to live in drudgery and regret, or do we want to live in the now and the possibility of taking even the smallest step forward to the rest of your life? Today is what I have, yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. Today I write, today I ground fresh coffee, today is the day to know that every which way can be anyway we choose. Coffee is done brewing; would you like to share a cup?