I Can’t Move

If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been writing like I was. I was putting out a blog a week and then I just dropped off the planet, so it feels like. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I write about all sorts of things, all sorts of awareness but being down in this pit of whatever it is; I can’t move. I’m stuck, I’m lazy, I’m a procrastinator, I’m not motivated, I’m lethargic. Granted, I am turning 58 here in a week or so but I look around at some 60-year-olds, and they are amazing, doing amazing things, look amazing and here I am hardly able to pick up my fingers to type. It’s not my fingers that are tired although my hands and fingers do go numb quite often. My back has begun to hurt, by knees and feet constantly hurt and when I get off work after a ten-hour shift, I don’t have much “hootspah” or Chutzpah. I have such ideas and “things to do” but atlas, I’m tired, I hurt and I only have a few hours of time after work to eat, talk, catch up on affairs and then go to bed. I get up early and usually only get 4 to 5 hours of sleep the nights that I’m working. If one were to look at my schedule, they would see red marked days; that’s from going in late and or leaving early. I can’t even work a full week without bowing out and still feel like I can’t move. THIS is a problem.

I should be taking my own advice. DO SOMETHING YOU LOVE, LIVE YOUR PASSION. But I don’t. I make excuses, albeit valid excuses, still excuses. Money, time and health are the big three. I make good money, but I blow it on stupid things. I have three days off a week, but I want to relax and not think or do anything because I’m so drained from my workweek. I desperately need to lose weight, and I know that this would help with the energy and with the pain, but I don’t have the persistence, the tenacity, or the fortitude to do what I know is right and what I need. I can’t move. What a vicious cycle. It’s sickening really. My awareness shouts to me, “hey dummy, you see what you’re doing right?'” Do better. Yeah, right, I’ll get right on that, tomorrow. Dam it. When does tomorrow come? NEVER, it’s always tomorrow. So, trust me when I say, it’s a milestone that I took the precious time to write my blog. One small step for mankind (myself). But hey one small step out of the way and I am wise enough to know that the mountain is conquered by one small step at a time. So, after this I’m going to try and finish an email to an acquaintance of mine. It’s all about just making the time. Not losing oneself in TV or phone games or Facebook. I’ve got five hours till bedtime and at the moment I do feel ok. I’m moving a little.

It’s debilitating to be stuck. It’s a self-created pressure that is heavier than any mountain. I take inspiration from those that aren’t as ABLE bodied as I am and they get things done, sometimes huge things, huge accomplishments as I sit here and bellyache about my predicaments. I constantly ask myself, what’s it going to be today, a day to just do it or a day to stay in a coma. Today I can move, today I choose to move, and I throw out the pain, the tiredness, the self-sabotaging. Today I am doing. Today I am not stuck in the quicksand. Today I am opening my eyes, stretching my fingers and moving forward that one small step. Can you take a step with me? If not, I understand but I won’t stop asking, just as I won’t stop believing that it will be done. You see, the law of attraction takes practice and doesn’t happen overnight; but nonetheless, without action, without movement, there is stagnation and that can ultimately lead to death, both figuratively and realistically. Let’s not die, ok. Let’s continue to press on and fight the good fight for ourselves and for each other. This is what we have, today, so get er done.